So is it as simple as this?
Yeah, that should do it. You'll probably need to tweak the value of the 240K resistor between the LFO and the depth pot, or remove it all together, because that's dropping the voltage down to what the transistor wants. I haven't actually tried this method so I don't know how the performance compares with my method, but the clips of the Magnus Modulus sound good.
If that's all that's necessary, and I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but why did you decide to do the modulation with the transistor?
Perfectly reasonable question

the short answer is I didn't know you could do it like that. I've no idea how ForcedFIre came up with that idea, but it's a very neat solution.
The long and boring answer is that no one really knows how the delay is set in the PT2399, except that changing the resistance between pin 6 and ground controls the time, that's all the data sheet tells you. There's plenty of speculation about how it works, but as far as I know no one's ever figured it out.
So everyone who's ever attempted to voltage control the chip, except Mr ForcedFire, has used some sort of voltage controlled resistance to do it. A couple of people here added LFOs to Rebotes using vactrols to control the delay time, that's what started me off on the Echo Base. I decided not to use vactrols because depending on where you come from they can be difficult to get hold of and can be expensive, and if you roll your own the results would be too variable and you'd need to add trimmers or do a lot of tweaking to get consistent performance.
I researched it a bit and found a couple of synth DIY guy's had done VC PT2399 designs, one used a JFET, but I decided against FETs mostly because I didn't have any and partly for the same reasons as for vactrols. The other design used a more complicated method using a transistor so I went down that route but using something simpler.